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I guess I just need to accept the consequences of my actions like I always tell everyone else. It just hurts so fucking much.
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I’m mostly healed up from my mountain bike fall two weeks ago. Once the swelling on my face mostly went down, I got left with a VERY impressive black eye. That made working interesting… Casey is obviously pissed about all the abuse jokes and questions. My shoulder is healed and pinkish white. Icky scar. My elbow isn’t swollen anymore and the bruise is mostly gone. Scratches on my hip are healed. The bad scratches/road rash on my knee is healed but for a little spot in the middle. It isn’t scarring as bad as my shoulder did. The other assorted cuts and scrapes on my legs are healing and the gianormis bruise on the back of my calf doesn’t look as bad as it did.
Unfortunately, the news about my hip isn’t so good. Even after those scratches healed and the bruising went away (end of last weekend), the swelling didn’t go down at all. It looks like I have an egg sitting underneath my skin. It’s noticeable even through looser shirts. I went back to the doctor today to have them check it out. They did xrays and they didn’t see any fractures but they also couldn’t see the tip of the hip bone. The doctor said even if it was chipped, there wasn’t anything they would be able to do for it. They said that the swelling is a hematoma, where the fluids are sitting under my skin. Lot of fluid considering the size of the swelling. They told me to put warm compresses twice a day to help the body reabsorb the fluids but that it’ll probably be four to six weeks. I’m stuck with this damn thing for over a month! Ugh.
The bike’s back wheel got bent up and went flat (which I didn’t realize at the time) so I had to pay for that to get fixed. There was an issue with the gears too so I had them fix it. $100+ loss. I have to buy a new helmet too since they’re apparently only made to last 3-5 years or one hit.
[Image description: A manatee is swimming in green water, facing to the right of the frame. A big school of fish is swimming at the bottom of the frame. TEXT: “You are not broken. You are a person. And you can be hurt and frightened, but no one can break you. You are strong. You will heal one day. I promise.”]
I thought that I was doing okay but just one thought has the ability to rip me up, to chill me to the core. I’m terrified and crying and I don’t know if things are going to be okay anymore. I don’t know what to do.
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I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives and I’m just getting left behind.
I love how a person can look fine on the outside, great even, but be so broken on the inside. I’m sick of being broken but I don’t know how to fix it. And for once, I’m not talking about my RA. Just everything else…
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Just when you think things are starting to get better, they take a turn for the worst.
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I think I need to either up my happy pills or to find a new one to take.. Honestly, I’d prefer the second option since a month’s prescription of cymbalta costs about $75 under our new health insurance plan…
I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining because I know that there are so many other people out there that have it worse off than me… I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’m sick of being in pain. Of being sick. And tired. Sore. Stiff. Grumpy. Bitchy. Crying. Lost. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The worst thing is that I feel like I’m pushing away the one person who has always been there for me. I feel like everything I say or do ends up starting a fight or a misunderstanding or I hurt his feelings. And honestly, even just the thought of losing him makes me want to give up. I have a hard enough time coping with everything as is, I don’t know what I would do if he ever realized that I wasn’t worth all the trouble I cause.